Wanna know something that really grinds my gears? Obnoxious commercials.
I think that commercials are important. Some can even affect your purchasing decisions, positively or negatively.
Today, I'm talking about some companies that have made ads that assault the senses.
#1: Gold Bond Lotion
Their current set of ads begins with a shot of the product being advertised, accompanied by a shrill trumpet squeak. The music that that blaring ear assault segues into is a generic horn section with stomps and claps. This stomp-clap music is also being used by Buick ads, just without the blare.
Just who decided "Hey, we should start our ads with a loud blaring trumpet? That's trendy and cool!"? Sure, Shaq is everywhere in commercials, but his commercials from 4 years ago, the same ones that gave us the "MOISTURIZE YOUR SKIN" meme, should be brought back, since they have the same purpose, an athletetic and sporty commercial for medicated creams.
#2: Moynihan Lumber (Local Radio Ad)
So, there's this radio ad that always airs on WBZ-AM (NewsRadio 1030), and WBZ-FM (98.5 The Sports Hub) in Massachusetts (where this site originates), for a locally owned and operated lumber company called Moynihan Lumber, that starts with a super loud, ultra distorted brass section playing a 5-note tune, being the first 5 notes of the jingle of the company. Every time their commercial plays when I listen to a Patriots game in the car (don't judge me, I am a Pats fan), I jump like 600 feet in the air. It is the literal definition of ear rape!
3: Movie TV Spots with Announcers that Only Say the Rating of Said Movie
Sometimes, commercials for movies never have the voiceover say the title of the movie. I've always hated that, since what if you were busy using playing a game on your phone, and couldn't catch the title, and all the voice said was "Rated R." You would be confused, is the movie called Rated R? Does the movie have no title? Is the movie's title pronounced like silence? That's why TV spots for movies were better in the 90s. Voiceovers like the late, great Don LaFontaine, and the also late, but also great Mark Elliot, would say the name of the movie, alongside a spoiler-free short statement about the film.
4: Annoying Jingles
Ever noticed that awful excuse of a "jingle" that Liberty Mutual insurance uses? JUST HOW IS LIBERTY SUNG 4 TIMES A JINGLE?! This abominable noise is being emulated by other companies, such as the dental insurance company Physician's Mutual, who uses a tune with the company's name sung twice. That's NOT a jingle. These are both inspired by the Farmers Insurance jingle that was done by the same company who did the Liberty jingle later on. This company is called Elias Arts, who is the largest sonic branding agency in the world. Other sonic trademarks they've produced are the crunchy rock theme for MTV, and the ambitious orchestral fanfare of Columbia Pictures. A former Elias employee named Alex Lasarenko (died in 2019, RIP) later founded Tonal Sound in 2002, where he did the famed 4-note jingle for Disney Channel.
5: Infiniti's Out-Of-Tune Orchestra
In early 2022, Nissan's luxury brand Infiniti released an ad for the upcoming 2023 QX60 SUV, showcasing its noise-cancelling capabilities. Just how did they do this? By PARKING the QX60 in the middle of a children's orchestra. The most sacrilegious thing about it is that they auditioned each child to be in the commercial, and told them to play whatever, and that they'd be dubbed to Strauss's Also sprach Zarathustra. They didn't tell these kids that they'd be dubbed by adults PURPOSELY PLAYING BADLY, making a mockery of these talented young musicians. As a musician myself, I HATE this ad. If I were in charge at Nissan/Infiniti, I'd have a woman driving with her kid, the same people as the garbage ad, while the guy behind her is blaring bassy rap music, so she shuts the windows to avoid the loudness and the (inferred) explicit language.
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